An agitated guy comes into a bar and says: “Barkeep, give me a whiskey! Wait, no, make that a double.”.
After gulping it down he asks, holding his hand about 2 ft high: “Do penguins about this big exist?”.
“Sure.”, says the barkeeper.
“Right. I’ll have another whiskey please.”
Then, pointing at some 3 1/2 ft: “And this big?.”
“Well,”, say the barkeeper, “I saw a documentary once where they had pretty big ones, so probably yes.”.
“Oh… fill me up please…”.
Then he holds his hand at 5 ft and a bit and asks: “What about this high?”.
“No, I’m sure those don’t exist”
“Oh fuck! Then I ran over three nuns.”.
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Who invented copper wire?
Two Scotsmen (according to Belgians, two Dutchmen) fighting over a penny…
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Scotsmen not Scotchmen👍
Same thing as one is just full of the other stuff 
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A guy comes in a bar and sees a large glass on the counter filled with a lot of 50€ bills
The guy asks the barkeeper: “What is up with that money?”
Barkeeper: “I will tell you when you put 50€ in the glass”
Man says: “Okay I really want to know” and puts the money in the glass.
Barkeeper: “Well since you payed I will tell you. There is a challenge here. First _____ three bottles of whiskey, than you have to go outside and pull a tooth from my wild pit bull and last you have to give my 90 year old grandma the orgasm of her life. If you can do all that the money in the glass will be yours.”
Guy thinks and says: “Okay I am in”
Barkeeper gets out the three bottles of whiskey and the man starts _____ing them. After he finished he is totally _____, can barely walk and crawls outside on all fours…
Then you hear a lot of howling and barking and after what seems to be an eternity the guy crawls back in having bite marks and all clothes torn.
Barely able to speak he says: "Wellll aaaaand nnnnow I wi wi wiilll pull the graa aa ndmas to to tooth… "
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I could say so much about this one, but I will keep it to myself. 
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Don’t let us hold you back pal
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Corrected. Thanks, never too old to learn.
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Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.
They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.
“We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded.”
The Ukrainian fighters take them into captivity and have them call their parents while they go out to inspect the truck that the Russians had abandoned.
They come back and tell the Russians what they found.
“Well, your truck was out of fuel and broken down just like you said. We found leaks in your gas tank and a leaking fuel line. The timing belt was snapped, the oil was empty from a puncture in the reservoir, the engine had stalled from said lack of oil, and the radiator was cracked”
“Wait a second” interjected one Russian soldier. “Did you say the Radiator was cracked?”
“Well, yes.” replied the mechanic.
“Huh. I don’t remember doing that.”
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What is Ukraine's biggest import?
The Russian military.
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A rabbi, a minister and a pastor are taking a stroll around their village when the pastor bends down and picks up an abandoned pair of panties.
“Lost object.”, he says, “we should return that to the rightful owner, but how do we determine who that is?”.
“Give me that.”, says the rabbi, and after sniffing it, he continues: “Not my wife… nor our housekeeper.”.
The minister grabs the panties from the rabbi’s hands, sniffs and says: “No, you’re right, not them, and none in my household either.”.
The pastor snatches the panties, sniffs and says: “Forget it guys, she’s not even from our village.”.
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Luigi and Guiseppe stand on a hill, overlooking their town when Luigi says: “See all those bridges? I built or repaired all of them, but do you think they call me a bridgebuilder?”
“And do you see all those beautiful churches? I built or restored all of them, but do you think they call me a churchbuilder?”.
“But you fuck one goat…”.
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I hope you’re not inferring that we are a bunch of piss artists up here, well!! 
Aww, come on, I’d love to hear what you have to say. I’m sure it would be very funny.
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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man _____s the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man _____s the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He _____s the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?”
The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.”
The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?”
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret
Service! 
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A Glaswegian walks into a bakers shop in Glasgow
Pointing to the display case he say"is that a doughnut or a meringue"
The woman serving replied"naw you’re right it’s a doughnut"
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School visit
Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, “I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?”
Putin says, “Good questions”. But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit down and there is room for some more questions. Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to the Ukraine, why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early and where is Sasha?
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Perhaps not the place to share video clips, but I’ll chance it. This is a good one by Bill Hicks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsnNHAZ3HWc&t=2s
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