I returned my lizard to the pet shop today as it wouldn’t stop telling me jokes. The store assistant said "That isn’t a lizard, it is a stand-up chameleon
I asked the wife “How come this loaf of bread has your name on it?” She said “Where?” I pointed “There! Ooops, sorry, my mistake. It says Thick CUT”.
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says “Yeah, it means you’ve probably clogged the fucking drain again!”
A British man was k__led by a shark while on his honeymoon in Australia.
Reports say he didn’t suffer too long…
He was only married 3 days!
A woman was standing in front of the window in the maternity wing looking at her newborn baby when another new mom walked up beside her. She pointed at a baby and said, “Is that your baby boy there?”
The first woman replied, “Why, yes it is.”
The second woman then pointed at a baby boy beside it and said, “That’s my third c___d.
We named him Beauregard Winston Baldwin the THIRD after his great-great-great-grandf____r, the famous Confederate general.”
“That’s nice”, said the first woman.
The woman kept talking. “My husband is buying me a four-carat diamond ring to celebrate his birth!”
“That’s nice”, said the first woman again.
“When my second c___d was born, he gave me a brand-new Mercedes-Benz and took me to Tuscany for the summer”, she bragged again.
“That’s nice”, repeated the woman.
“And when I birthed our first c___d, my husband bought a yacht, named it after me, and we sailed round the world!” she continued.
“That’s nice”, said the first woman again.
“Is this your first c___d? What did your husband buy you?” asked the second woman.
The first woman turned to her and said, “When we found out I was pregnant, my husband sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school?!?!” The second woman asked incredulously. “Why?”
“Yes, well”, the woman said, “that’s where I learned to say 'That’s nice” instead of “Who gives a f#$”
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
A German, American and Japanese guy go to the bathroom.
When finished the American guy washes his hands and says: “We in USA learn to always wash our hands after using the bathroom”
Japanese guy washes his hands and also thoroughly wipes each finger with special sanitized napkins. He says: “We in Japan learn to do everything really thoroughly.”
German guy finishes pissing, pulls up his pants, exits the bathroom and says: “We in Germany learn to not piss on our hands”
A New York attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called
and asked to speak to his client.
“Mr. O’Toole, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so
let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million … and I think she could be right.”
The collector replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little i________ed and bet twenty thousand euro’s on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind but i feel much luckier when i am naked”
With that she stripped from the neck down and with an irish brogue yelled out,
“Come on baby, Mama needs news clothes”
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed,
"YES YES, I WON I WON.
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes)
and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked, “what did she roll?”
The other answered .“I dont know, i thought you were watching the dice”
Moral of the story:
Not all irish are _____s and not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…are men.