Funny's & Jokes (Part 1)

[robwin]

A Guy with a 25-inch Willy went to a Doctor and said,

“I can’t live with this Big Willy anymore…! It’s too long.”

The doctor replied, “I can’t do anything for you, but if you see the Witch Doctor, down in the Bayou, she can help you.”

So, he went to the Bayou and saw the Witch Doctor.

The Witch Doctor said, "Go into the Swamp and find a Female Frog.

“Ask her to Marry You. She’ll say “NO”, and you’ll lose 5 inches off your Member immediately”.

So, he went to the Swamp and found the Female Frog and asked her, “Will you marry me”…??? “NO”, she said.

And right enough, he lost 5 inches off his Member.

The Guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is still just a little too much.

So he asked the Frog again, “Will You Marry Me”…??? The Frog said,

“NO”. And the Guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked her again, “Will You Marry Me”…???

And the Frog said,

“How many fucking times do I have to tell you… NO…! NO…! NO…!”

[robwin]

Couldn’t believe my mate got sacked for stealing from the local highway department.

But when I got round his house all the signs were there…

[robwin]

A man has been arrested after stealing a pack of cards,
The police are dealing with it.

[robwin]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical ther____t and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, still in pain, in the f____l position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside.
She began to massage him.
She then asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

[John78]

Today my crush said I’m pretty.But actually the whole sentence was"You are pretty annoying" but I focus on the positive things.

[robwin]

Deaf couple get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can’t see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the Wife proposes a solution.
“Honey.” She signs. "Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left Breast one time.
If you don’t want to have Sex, reach over and squeeze my right Breast one time.
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his Wife. “Great idea!”
“Now if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and pull on my Penis one time.
And if you don’t want to have Sex, reach over and pull on my Penis fifty times.”

[robwin]

The englishmans wife steps up to the tee and,as she bends over to place her ball,a gust of wind blows up reveals her lack of underwear.
Good god woman,why aren’t you wearing any undies?,her husband asked.
Well you don’t give me enough house keeping money to afford any.
The englishman immediately reaches inside his pocket and says," for the sake of decency here’s £10.
Go and buy yourself some underwear"
Next the irishmans wife bends over to set her ball up on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
Blessed Virgin Mary woman, you have no undies on either,why not?
She replies,“I can’t afford any on the money you give me”.
He reaches into his pocket and says for the sake of decency here’s £20.
Go and buy yourself some knickers".
Lastly the scotsman’s wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under under it.
“Sweet mudder of Jesus Aggie where are yer drawers”?.
She too explains,“you dinna give me enough money to be able to affard any”.
The scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,"Well for the love of Jesus,here’s a comb go tidy yerself up a bit.

[robwin]

[robwin]

[Lukas156546]

• Soldier in Moscow ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, can I hide under your skirt, I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed.

• Moments later, two troopers came running and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

• The nun replied, “He went that way.”

• After the military police ran away, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister.
• You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine."

• The nun said, “I understand completely.”

• The soldier added: “I hope I’m not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

• The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.”

[letsdothis]

Finland has closed its border.

Now no one can cross the Finnish line.

[letsdothis]

An elderly gentleman was in the kitchen and had taken down the wall clock, placing it on the floor in front of him.

Then he turned on the kitchen radio tuning in to a Hip-Hop station.

He then started gyrating and jumping and tapping the face of the clock with his foot in time with the music.

His wife suddenly walked in and said, “What in heaven’s name are you doing!”

The husband replied, “Our grandd______r says you can make money dancing on the Tik-Tok.”

[letsdothis]

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: “I grant you three wishes.”

Trump: “I’m tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts.”

Genie: “Granted. You have no wishes left.”

Trump: “What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!”

Genie: “Sue me.”

[letsdothis]

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

[letsdothis]

A Mafia Godf____r finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godf____r goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godf____r tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godf____r, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godf____r pulls out a p____l, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll k__l him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll k__l you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godf____r asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”

Click Me

Could someone please post something, so I can post something?
Thanks.

[Dave27]

Sure thing buddy👍BTW is your PM working😉

[robwin]

Thought you could post 10 now?

[letsdothis]

[letsdothis]

[robwin]

I like the last two