Once, there was a sailor.
The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member.
The Sailor was just settling in when he noticed that there were no female sailors.
He was a hardy young man who needed his fill of ■■■■, bacon, and most of all women.
So the sailor went to the captain and asked him, “Captain, there are no women aboard, and i am a man who needs lots of women, how do solve this problem”?
The captain says, “There are other men aboard and they have the same concerns as you, lad. I too find it hard to be away from me wife.
There hasn’t been a women aboard in years, but we have found a solution to this problem. Follow me”…
So the sailor follows the captain to the hold, and the captain leads the sailor to an inconspicuous barrel with a hole thats just the right size and just about the right height.
The captain says, “well, Lad, here is our solution, just stick it in ye hole and have away”…
The sailor looks incredulously at the captain. “Are you serious…?
A hole in a barrel”…?
The captain walks saying, “Just try it”…
The sailor thinks that there could be no harm in trying and undoes his pants.
Fifteen minutes later the sailor climbs on deck with a huge smile. “Wow, captain, that was amazing.
I have bedded many women in my day and that barrel was better than most by far”.
The captain replies, “Aye, thought you would like it.
Feel free to use it any time, day or night except Tuesdays that is”…
The sailor looks at the captain with a confused expression. “Why not Tuesdays”.
The captain replies, “Because Tuesdays are your day in the barrel”
An Amish woman and her d______r were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day:
The d______r said to her m____r. “My hands are freezing cold.”
The m____r replied. “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The d______r did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the d______r was riding with her boy friend who said. “My hands are freezing cold.”
The girl replied. “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the d______r. He said. “My nose is cold.”
The girl replied. “Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the d______r and he said. “My penis is frozen solid.”
The following day the d______r was driving in the buggy with her m____r, and she says to her m____r. “Have you ever heard of a penis?”
Slightly concerned the m____r said. “Why, yes. Why do you ask?”
The d______r replies. They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?"
I’ve heard they aren’t making 12 inch rulers any longer.? 
