A wise man once said,
If you understand,
Why pizza is made round,
Packed into a square box,
And eaten as a triangle,
Then my friend,
You will understand women.
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Wife drives home with the shopping. Says to husband there is good news and bad news. What is the good news he says? Wife says, the air bags on the Volvo are working!
Would make a nice sponge with a cherry on the top 
Where is that?I don’t see a cat? 
Who mentioned a cat??? 
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I presume you meant sponge cake.
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Smart dog.
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Only plastic ones, not worth the effort
Me not stupid, i ain’t gonna get caught out by the hosepipe ban
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Bob the Undertaker.
What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I had a terrible day,” replied Bob.
“I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his s___p. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.”
“Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy laying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.”
“Good heavens”, said his wife, “that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?”
Bob replied, “Wrong room."