I was hoping for 3000 after a week by tomorrow. So close
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Putin went to a fortune-teller and asked about his future…
“You’re riding in a limousine through Moscow and people are shouting and cheering”… said the fortune-teller.
“Oh, that’s great”, Putin said, “Am I waving to them?”.
“No, unfortunately you can’t”, said the fortune-teller…
“Oh, why can’t I?” asked Putin, angrily,
but turned pale at the explanation:
“The lid of the coffin is closed”.
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not the best one
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One evening, Vlad Putin was very upset… His aid walks up to him - and asks what’s wrong ?
Putin : We need to get rid of these time zones…
Aid: Why Sir ? These time zones keep all of us sane…
Putin: No… get rid of them… we need one time for all of us…
Aid: Sir, may I ask why ?
Putin: Do you know about the crash, the helicopter that was carrying the Ukraine prime minister ? I called them yesterday at 8PM to share my condolences…
Aid: Hmm…
Putin: Apparently it was not 8PM there yet - and the helicopter had not taken off yet !!!
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There’s these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they’ve been
separated from their unit and are lost. They’ve been wandering for
several days without food and water and are nearly resigned to the fact
that they will soon die from dehydration when, as they reach the top of
a sanddune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.
Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, but as
they draw closer, they can hear the stall holders’ cries and they
eventually reach the market and realise that it’s really there. So the
legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stall
holder, “Stall holder, we have been travelling in the desert for many
days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you
have some which you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance
for us?”
The stall holder shook his head and replied “I’m sorry, French
legionnaire-type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full
of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with
hundreds and thousands of multi coloured little sweet bits.”
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to
the next stall, where they ask the stall holder, “Mr purveyor of fine
foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for
days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are
required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us
some skins of water.”
The stall holder looked at them, embarrassed, and confessed, “Gentlemen,
tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to
life for which you ask me, all I have to sell is this large bowl of
jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and
thousands of multi-coloured sweet bits, with a little ■■■■■■■■ cherry in
the middle at the top - there,” he said, pointing out the glace cherry.
“I cannot help you…”
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the
next stall, where they demand of the stall holder, “Look mate,”(cos
they’d stopped talking funny all of a sudden) “we need water or we’ll
die. We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do
you have any you can sell us?”
The stall holder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he
confessed, “Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly,
with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of little multi-coloured
sweet bits. I can’t help you. I’ll have to condemn you to a long and
lingering death through dehydration.”
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went
through the market, stall by stall, asking each stall holder whether
they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but
each stall holder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl
of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of ulti-coloured
little sweet bits.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the
desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one
turned to the other and said, “That was really odd - a big market in the
middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard,
cream and hundreds and thousands of multi-coloured little sweet bits.”
The other turned to face his companion and replied, “Yes, it was a
trifle bazaar.”
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TL;DR version please 
Sorry I don’t get that one 
I thought so. It is a classic joke that cannot be translated. So the joke is on you. 
Pretty bad joke in that case…