Funny's & Jokes

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.

“Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am.”

Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders.

“Now, witness the strength of Russia.”

He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth… Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed.

“And that, gentlemen,” Putin says as the gets over the pain, “is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?”

Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, “No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me.”

Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. “Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!”

The Prime Minister looks abashed. “Eh… no, no thank you, sir.”

This time Putin can’t withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump.

“Surely, the world’s greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!”

“I’ll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don’t mind doing it, I’ll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there’s no need to poke me in the eye.”

1 Like

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

1 Like

My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.

When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.

I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word “Gigawatt” had been tattooed on my penis.

“What the fuck is that?” she yelled.

I said, “It’s a prick with too much power.”

1 Like

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, k__ling it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. “What happened to you?” asked Putin. "Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old d______rs made mad passionate love to me simultaneously. “My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin. The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just k__led the pig.”

1 Like

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.

When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

1 Like


Without linking to other threads here :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

1 Like

ejlhwcch5q6b1

1 Like

1 Like

1 Like

1 Like

1 Like

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The c___dren were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin…

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crimea?”

“And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?”

Putin responds
“Good questions”
but before he can say anything else the bell goes and the kids go for lunch.

When they come back to the classroom, there is room for more questions.

Natasha speaks up to Putin,

“I have four questions”

“Why did Russia take Crimea?”

“Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?”

“Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?”

“And where is Alina?”

1 Like

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.
Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.

Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.

Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: “Save yourself, my friend. I am much older than you. Plus, in this difficult time your country needs you more than my country needs me. You deserve to live more than me.”

Zelensky feels convinced, so grudgingly accepts to take the parachute, gives one last hug to Biden and jumps out of the plane.

Then the plane regains altitude and Biden safely lands in Washington, because it turns out what was downing the plane in the first place was the weight of Zelensky’s massive balls.

1 Like

Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he’s given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a _____, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, he _____s and asks:

-Thanks. How much do I owe you?

-5 euros, please.

1 Like

Putin: How much of the Russian population want to k__l me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That’s a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

1 Like

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What’s going on?

Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He’s demanding 10 mill rubles, or he’ll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we’re asking drivers for donations.

Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.

Policeman: About a gallon.

1 Like

Yet more clever word play.
I love that kind of thing. Very good, thank you for sharing it.

1 Like

1 Like

1 Like

1 Like