A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: “Free Sex with Fill-Up, just guess the right number between 1 and 10.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his Free Sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his Free Sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No Free Sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his Free Sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no Free Sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away Free Sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”
A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.
“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,” she said.
The woman agreed to have a bath outside the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his dart match, she heated the outside tub and watched the woman get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the gal didn’t have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn’t believe her, so she said: “Next Monday, when you go to play darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden so you can see for yourself.”
So, the following Monday, while the gal again got undressed and was getting into the tub, the wife asked: “Do you shave?” “No,” she replied. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The gal finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours?!”
“Why are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said… "but the b___dy darts team hadn’t!
Mrs. Marble, a Sunday School teacher, was telling her students about the time when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.
Little Percy interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
Upon hearing that her elderly grandf____r had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandm____r and comfort her. When she asked how her grandf____r had died, her grandm____r replied,
“He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandm____r that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade, and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in, and the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ‘36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have, but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?’
Harry: ‘Coconut.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’s eyes opened really wide, and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,‘Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling…
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Fire truck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…’
