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One day, a guy ran into a restaurant and sat down. When the waitress approached his table, he said, “Look, I’m in a hurry. Bring me a coffee and a menu, please!”
The waitress quickly walked away and returned shortly with the menu and his cup of coffee. The man looked down and noticed that as she put the cup down, her thumb was visibly in his coffee. He gave her a dirty look and pushed the menu back, saying, “Just bring me some soup, okay?”
The waitress walked away again and quickly returned with a bowl of soup for the customer, but as she put it down, he once again noticed that his thumb was deep in his soup. Seeing his finger out of place, he said brusquely, “Okay, what’s up with that thumb?”
The waitress replied, “Excuse me?”
“Excuse me? You should say excuse me! You bring me coffee and you have your thumb in my coffee! You bring me soup and you have your thumb in my soup! What’s with that thumb?”
To which the waitress replied, “Well, I crushed my thumb in the door yesterday and the doctor told me to keep it warm.”
“Why don’t you stick it up your ass then?” the customer replied.
And the waitress replied, “Well, I do that when I’m in the kitchen!”
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I thought the last one is Mesut Özil 
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A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.”
The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his junk in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a drinks bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed!
Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman…
“I’ll give it a try,” she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the bloody bottle."
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