I need to re-home a dog.
It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.
If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll climb over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you
A lady was driving down a country road when she suddenly hit a squirrel. She slammed the brakes and ran back to where the poor critter lay. Frantically looking around, she saw a veterinary office across the road. She scooped up the squirrel and ran inside, where she found a crusty old veterinarian sitting in a plush old chair reading a newspaper and looking mildly disturbed by her sudden entry.
She said, “Sir, can you help me? I seem to have hit this squirrel with my car, and now I don’t know what to do.”
With barely a glance in her direction, the crusty old vet said, “He’s dead. That’ll be $30 for the office visit.”
The lady was a little taken aback, and said “How can you say that he’s dead from all the way over there, without even looking at him? And the nerve, to charge me for an office visit, at that!”
The old vet got up and wordlessly took the squirrel, and laid it on an exam table. Then he left the room, and returned with a mangy old cat that was probably as old as he was. He placed the cat on the exam table by the squirrel. The cat sniffed the squirrel from nose to tail; then let out a forlorn single “meow”, jumped off the table and left. The old vet nodded a couple of times, then left the room again, this time returning with an old Labrador retriever. He lead the dog over to the exam table, and the dog started licking the squirrel up one side and down the other. Finally the dog let out a forlorn “woof”, and walked away.
The old vet looked at the lady and said “I’m sorry ma’am, we did all we could do but he didn’t make it; he’s dead. That’ll be $500.”
The lady was becoming apoplectic at this point and could barely control her rage. “How can you charge me $500 for THAT?!”
“Well,” said the old vet, “it’s $250 for the cat scan and another $250 for the Lab work.”
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, and 3 cans of sardines.
When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first there was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!..People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they’d cut their price in half - they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and just to spite the ex-husband… they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?
