A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
I would consider that rather more clever, than funny. Very good!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been f___ed to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
- June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
- August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
- August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the c___dren shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty c___dren obliged.
- August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
- September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
- September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
- October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
- October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
- October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
- October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a f___l position and screamed;
OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ - Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least: - October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks p________t.