What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
Its jelly button.
Its jelly button.
This guy asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, “Sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight.”
All the guy could say was, “Wow!”
Then her girlfriend said, “What she means is, 666-3629.”
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My niece plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week…
She’s going to call it,
???
Best ByI was just on the phone with a company that said I’d won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band. Plus, they said if I chose the concert, they would give me the name of a travel agency near me to help plan my trip. And, in addition, they would even give me the name of a local taxi company that could take me to the airport.
I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go!
The m____r-in-law stopped by her d______r’s house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened?” she asked anxiously.
“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife — your d______r — telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home… and guess what I found? Your d______r in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Calm down, calm down!” said his m____r-in-law. “There’s something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her and find out what happened.”
A few minutes later, the m____r-in-law came back with a big smile and said, “I told you there must be a simple explanation — she didn’t get your email.”
For UK viewers only 
Unless there are any sad foreigners out there
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Does that mean a Ford Escort? 
Good morning buddy, the actor you see in the photo had allegations of sexual a___e levelled at him which he subsequently was cleared of.
Naughty Rob!!!
Good morning. That much I completely understood. I was just wondering if the 15-year-old escort he was talking about taking to the garage for a tune-up (touch up) was a Ford Escort, which is a type of car.
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I think that’s the type of joke
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Sorry, Jabba, I’m not quite sure what you mean by that. 
That the Ford Escort is meant 
It 's not the type of subject I would normally discuss but it was c___d a___e as in “15 year old” that William Roache was accused of,get it now pal?.
Trust our friend from Somerset eh, what a tosser😔
It’s just a typical double meaning english type joke, something you humourless tossers wouldn’t understand anyway.
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Dave, I understood that to be what happened before my very first post, but he said to his wife, “They’ve got it all wrong.” Then, he tells her what actually happened was, “I took a 15-year-old escort to Kev’s Garage for a touch-up/tune-up.”
Now, whenever someone says to me, they took something to a garage for a touch-up (and I’m assuming touch-up is the same as a tune-up to an engine), I’m guessing they took their vehicle to a garage to be worked on. And, since an escort is an actual car model made by Ford Motor Co., I thought what he was telling his wife was, he took his 15-year-old Ford Escort to the garage to be worked on, in order to convince her he wasn’t guilty of c___d a___e.
It wouldn’t make any sense to tell his wife he took an actual 15-year-old female anywhere. That would be admitting to the c___d a___e. Plus, it wouldn’t be funny, at all.
So, what does ‘touch-up’ mean in British speak, or is it the same as tuning up an engine?
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Well, at least I got that part right, but did I get what the actual double meaning correct? See my post to Dave just above.
A touch up in english speak sexual terms means a bit of fingering if you know what i mean pal
A touch up in normal terms to a vehicle would normally mean, again in english speak, a body work repaint job to a particular area.
Hope that clarify’s us weird english tossers
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Gotcha, so that throws everything I said right out the window.
I’m a bit more clear, now. What do you call an engine tune-up? this is an engine tune-up in the US.
Engine tune-ups include checking, diagnosing, and replacing bad spark plugs, spark plug wires, distributor caps, fuel filters, air filters, and oil filters. Tune-ups can also include checking emission levels, fuel lines, wiring, coolant hoses, and serpentine belts.