Hello! You’re in my way!
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December 8, 6:00 PM
It started snowing. The first snow of the year. My wife and I grabbed our cocktails and sat by the window for hours, watching huge, white flakes drift down from the sky. It looked like something out of a fairy tale. So romantic—we felt like newlyweds. I love snow.
December 9
When we woke up, a huge, beautiful blanket of white snow covered every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Could there be a more beautiful place in the world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a little kid again. I cleared the driveway and the sidewalk. This afternoon, the snowplow came by and plowed the sidewalk and driveway again, so I got the shovel out again. What a great life.
December 12
The sun melted all our wonderful snow. What a disappointment. My neighbor said I shouldn’t worry, we’re definitely going to have a white Christmas. No snow for Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of the year that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is very nice—I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14th
Snow, wonderful snow, 130 cm last night. The temperature dropped to -20 degrees Celsius. The cold makes everything sparkle. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up again shoveling. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and plowed everything again. I didn’t realize I’d have to shovel so much, but it’s getting me back in shape. I wish I wasn’t so out of breath.
December 15th
60 cm forecast. I sold my station wagon and bought a Jeep. And winter tires for my wife’s car and two extra shovels. I stocked up the refrigerator. My wife wants a wood-burning stove in case the power goes out. That’s ridiculous—we’re not in Alaska, after all.
December 16th
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt in the driveway while spreading salt. Hurts like hell. My wife laughed for an hour. I think that’s pretty cruel.
December 17th
Still way below zero. The roads are too icy to go anywhere. The power was out for 5 hours. Had to wrap myself in blankets to keep from freezing. No TV. Nothing to do but stare at my wife and try to annoy her. I think we should have bought a wood-burning stove, but I’d never admit it. I hate it when she’s right! I hate freezing in my own living room!
December 20th
The power’s back on, but another 40 cm of the damn stuff last night! More to shovel. It took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. I tried to convince one of the neighbor kids to shovel. But they said they didn’t have time because they had to play hockey. I think they’re lying. I wanted to buy a snowblower at the hardware store. They were out of stock. They won’t get any more until March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will do it and send me the bill. I think he’s lying.
December 22nd
Bob was right about a white Christmas because another 30 cm of the white stuff fell last night, and it’s so cold it won’t melt until August. It took me 45 minutes to get dressed to shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I’d finally undressed, peed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. I tried to hire Bob for the rest of the winter; he has a snowblower on his truck, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s lying.
December 23
Only 10 cm of snow today. And it’s warmed up to 0 degrees. My wife wanted me to decorate the house today. Is she crazy? I don’t have time—I have to SHOVEL!! Why didn’t she tell me a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.
December 24th
20 centimeters. The snowplow compacted the snow so hard that my shovel broke. I thought I was going to have a heart attack! If I ever get my hands on the jerk who drives the snowplow, I’m going to drag him through the snow by his hair. I know for a fact he’s hiding around the corner, waiting for me to finish shoveling. And then he comes roaring down the street at 150 km/h and dumps tons of snow right where I was. Tonight, my wife wanted to sing Christmas carols and open presents with me, but I didn’t have time. I had to keep an eye out for the snowplow.
December 25th
Merry Christmas. 60 cm more of the…!!! Snowed in. The thought of shoveling snow makes my blood boil. God, I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by and asked for a donation. I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have bad manners. I think she’s an idiot.
December 26th
Still snowed in. Why on earth did we move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
December 27th
The temperature dropped to -30 degrees Celsius and the water pipes froze.
December 28th
It warmed up to -5 degrees Celsius. Still snowed in – THAT WOMAN IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!
December 29th
Another 30 centimeters. Bob says I have to shovel the roof clear or it will collapse. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What does he take me for?
December 30th
The roof collapsed. The snowplow driver is suing me for 50,000 euros in damages. My wife went to her mother’s. 25 centimeters are forecast.
December 31st
I set the rest of the house on fire. Never shoveling again.
January 8th
I’m doing well. I like the little pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed???
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Neighbor from Hell
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