BBQ time this weekend
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel… When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250…00 for just an overnight stay - I didn’t even have breakfast!” The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them.” 'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here.” “But I didn’t go to any of those shows…” “Well, we have them, and you could have.” No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But Madam, this check is for only $50.00” “That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for s___ping with me.” “But I didn’t!” “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?” She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?” She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices
there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.”
He replied, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics:
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
“Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have got an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
I got cut off by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said “How much to the station ?”
“$5” said the driver. “And how much for a blow job ?” I asked him.
“That’s disgusting” he said “Get out of my cab”
I got in the second taxi and said “How much to the station ?”.
“$5” said the driver. “And how much for a blow job ?” I asked him.
“I’m not having any of that” he said “Get out of my cab”
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
“How much to the station ?”. “$5” said the driver.
“Ok” I said “Let’s go”
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!..