Could be having a sneaky fart 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed… “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is…
I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place last night (I won’t name them), placed it on the kitchen work top and as I was getting plates, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that?! Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was so scared as the bag was moving around, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor, frying pan in one hand and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down …
And there it was …
.
.
… A Peeking Duck!!!
After no sex for 5 years a woman goes to see sex ther____t Dr Chang.He says "Take off your croase,get down and craw reery fast to otherside room.
"She does."Ok,craw reery fast back."As she did this Dr Chang shook his head."Your problem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why you get no man.
"She says "God,what is Ed Zachary disease
"Dr says “Its when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.”
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her d______r was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her d______r immediately replied,
“Mum I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied "My chest you can play with, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning. He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What’s with the black condom?
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences”
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says ‘I’ve got bad news, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD, it’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the UK. We know very little about it.’
The man looks perplexed and says,‘Well give me an injection or something to fix me up.
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry there’s no known cure and we’ll have to amputate your penis.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well it’s your choice, go ahead if you want but surgery is your only option.’
The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor thinking he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and says ‘Ah yes, Mongolian VD is vewy ware disease.’
The man says to the doctor ‘Yeah, yeah I already know that but what can we do?’ doctor wants to cut off my penis!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid docttah always want opawate.
Make mowh money dat way. No need amputate!’
‘Oh thank God’ the man exclaims. 'Yes, says the Chinese doctor, Wait two weeks, fawl off by itself.
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly. ‘That was my pager,’ she said. ‘I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.’
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained,
‘That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said… ‘Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!!!’
This makes no sense. There are no seals anywhere. What am I missing?
In the video it sounds like someone close by is doing a gagging noise from giving a blowjob, which is similar to the sound a seal makes.
Thanks, Justy. Appreciate the help.
