Peter had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible…
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month… Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door… He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…”
“Great”, says Peter, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you…!”
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you. Be some _____ing.”
“Not a problem,” says Peter. “After twenty five years in the business, I can _____ with the best of 'em.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting too.”
“Well, I get along with people. I’ll be all right! I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
“More’n likely be some wild sex too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem!” says Peter, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
Two guys grow-up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with big boobs, tight shorts, and gorgeous legs.”
“You’re on.”
At age 42, they meet and play golf again. “Where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?"
“They have a cold ■■■■, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“OK.”
At age 52 they meet and play again.
“So where you wanna go for lunch?”
"Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice”
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”
At age 82 they meet and play again.
“Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“Okay, let’s give it a try.”
Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer. ‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.
'Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad’s property, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.’
‘WHAT !?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure’, said Wally. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s__t myself…’
Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!
So after landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice c___dren you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins.
The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda .”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn’t really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of ■■■■), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.
Three guys are _____ing in a bar when a _____ comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the _____ wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the _____ comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!” Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the _____ goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you’re _____.
A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a _____ and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, “Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?”
She winks and replies, “Why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too, which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, “You horny bastard, you deserve this.” The rooster opens one eye, points up, and whispers, “Shh! Don’t shout, let them land!”
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.” The owner replies, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Oh yeah?” the clerk says, “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”
